TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully away from put. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have A further position where by American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he must end applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the challenge, replied, "You understand, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from House, a function getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental Trump Tower Damascus groups have submitted lawsuits following discovering the developing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which company may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is already attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel the place my PTSD may have convert-down service."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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